August 1st, 2013

Well... I am approaching the 5th year since I began my new journey following weight loss surgery. I have not yet reached my ultimate weight loss goal.

I am NOT done yet.

I have come a long way. I have lost over 300 pounds. My life is improving by the minute. But I am not happy. In fact I am often discouraged. I continue to attend my support group and people are coming in at the size I am now and in a year they are walking back in as a size 4. They are starting to pass their "big" clothes down to me. I am appreciative but I am discouraged and hurt by this development.

It was never about being a size 4 for me. It was about getting off oxygen, it was about having a lap to hold a baby on, it was about being able to climb stairs, drive a car without the steering wheel digging into my belly, it was about being off cholesterol and high blood pressure meds. I have accomplished all those things but I am not happy. I hate to look in the mirror and see a fat person still. Not a morbidly obese person, but a fat person just the same.

Overcoming is something I strive for. I started college in 2010. I am a year away from receiving a Bachelor's in Social Work, and less then 3 years away from a Masters. I am doing well in school, I have applied myself there 200% and it shows in my grades, but not in my weight loss.

In fact since I started school in 2010 I have re-gained about 50 pounds. This is not considered a failure, the Drs said it's common to regain 10-15% of weight loss over the years. I am within that guideline but I hate that I had to re-gain at all. I want to lose that weight plus about 20 more pounds. This will have me at a weight that I think I will be comfortable with and until I can win the lottery and afford plastics I think the lowest weight I can safely obtain.

So I need to make a plan... I would like to lose the 70 pounds by my graduation in the Spring. That's 9 months away. This is a SMART goal, it's doable, I want to make it happen.

I am going to journal here, hopefully daily, how I am doing. I plan to be brutally honest and get to the bottom of why I am allowing myself to be sabotaged or distracted from my goals. I like to help others, and I do often. It's time now to help myself again. When I started this weigh loss journey 6 years ago, I was so focused. I was swimming for exercise, I was eating right, I was determined to not be derailed. I NEED that determination and focus back. 

August 1, 2013... day 1...