August 2, 2013

Day 2- What's in an Attitude?

You know I am always trying to present as a positive person, a glass half full, things could be worse... you know those irritating, hopeful people? Yep that's usually me.

Not lately. I am frustrated. I look in the mirror and I am frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, JEALOUS,. There I said it, my brown eyes are reflecting green. I do not like this attitude.

We reap what we sow. I believe that. These days what have I been sowing? What have I been speaking ro thinking in my own life? Nothing good, nothing inspiring, nothing positive.

Last night I went to my support group. I love going to group... well I love what group represents. It represents to me a reminder of why I chose weight loss surgery, why I don't want to go back to old habits, why I need to stay connected. Group is to be an opportunity to encourage another to help them believe in the possibilities that will come with their weight loss successes, and at the same time I myself can be encouraged. I reap what I sow.

But lately what I see when I go is other people looking so good, so thin, so happy. And here I am still obese. With a BMI in the 40's still. With a belly that makes me look pregnant. Wearing a size 1X or 2X or even 3X depending on the clothes. And here are some people I have been mentoring, supporting, helping, and they walk in 8-9 months out of surgery in a size 4. A size 4!!! They are now approaching me and giving me their "FAT" clothes. I am grateful. I love the clothes. But I feel like such a failure. I used to give away my clothes, now I am getting them. I can't lie... this HURTS, it hurts a lot.

I am wearing one of the outfits right now. It's nice. The shirt might actually be a little too big, the pants a tad too tight, and the girdle type undergarment fits perfectly but I can barely breathe.

Anyway... I need to readjust my attitude. I need to bloom where I am planted right now. I need to focus on what is good and where I am headed instead of looking at every9ne else around me and comparing me to them. I am NOT them and they are NOT me.

The scale was down 2 1/2 pounds this morning. I am sure that is not a "real" loss, but I am not going to think negative. I am taking it for what it says.

So there is is... this is my current battle. Love me or hate me, I am who I am.