August 2, 2013

Day 2- What's in an Attitude?

You know I am always trying to present as a positive person, a glass half full, things could be worse... you know those irritating, hopeful people? Yep that's usually me.

Not lately. I am frustrated. I look in the mirror and I am frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, JEALOUS,. There I said it, my brown eyes are reflecting green. I do not like this attitude.

We reap what we sow. I believe that. These days what have I been sowing? What have I been speaking ro thinking in my own life? Nothing good, nothing inspiring, nothing positive.

Last night I went to my support group. I love going to group... well I love what group represents. It represents to me a reminder of why I chose weight loss surgery, why I don't want to go back to old habits, why I need to stay connected. Group is to be an opportunity to encourage another to help them believe in the possibilities that will come with their weight loss successes, and at the same time I myself can be encouraged. I reap what I sow.

But lately what I see when I go is other people looking so good, so thin, so happy. And here I am still obese. With a BMI in the 40's still. With a belly that makes me look pregnant. Wearing a size 1X or 2X or even 3X depending on the clothes. And here are some people I have been mentoring, supporting, helping, and they walk in 8-9 months out of surgery in a size 4. A size 4!!! They are now approaching me and giving me their "FAT" clothes. I am grateful. I love the clothes. But I feel like such a failure. I used to give away my clothes, now I am getting them. I can't lie... this HURTS, it hurts a lot.

I am wearing one of the outfits right now. It's nice. The shirt might actually be a little too big, the pants a tad too tight, and the girdle type undergarment fits perfectly but I can barely breathe.

Anyway... I need to readjust my attitude. I need to bloom where I am planted right now. I need to focus on what is good and where I am headed instead of looking at every9ne else around me and comparing me to them. I am NOT them and they are NOT me.

The scale was down 2 1/2 pounds this morning. I am sure that is not a "real" loss, but I am not going to think negative. I am taking it for what it says.

So there is is... this is my current battle. Love me or hate me, I am who I am.

August 1st, 2013

Well... I am approaching the 5th year since I began my new journey following weight loss surgery. I have not yet reached my ultimate weight loss goal.

I am NOT done yet.

I have come a long way. I have lost over 300 pounds. My life is improving by the minute. But I am not happy. In fact I am often discouraged. I continue to attend my support group and people are coming in at the size I am now and in a year they are walking back in as a size 4. They are starting to pass their "big" clothes down to me. I am appreciative but I am discouraged and hurt by this development.

It was never about being a size 4 for me. It was about getting off oxygen, it was about having a lap to hold a baby on, it was about being able to climb stairs, drive a car without the steering wheel digging into my belly, it was about being off cholesterol and high blood pressure meds. I have accomplished all those things but I am not happy. I hate to look in the mirror and see a fat person still. Not a morbidly obese person, but a fat person just the same.

Overcoming is something I strive for. I started college in 2010. I am a year away from receiving a Bachelor's in Social Work, and less then 3 years away from a Masters. I am doing well in school, I have applied myself there 200% and it shows in my grades, but not in my weight loss.

In fact since I started school in 2010 I have re-gained about 50 pounds. This is not considered a failure, the Drs said it's common to regain 10-15% of weight loss over the years. I am within that guideline but I hate that I had to re-gain at all. I want to lose that weight plus about 20 more pounds. This will have me at a weight that I think I will be comfortable with and until I can win the lottery and afford plastics I think the lowest weight I can safely obtain.

So I need to make a plan... I would like to lose the 70 pounds by my graduation in the Spring. That's 9 months away. This is a SMART goal, it's doable, I want to make it happen.

I am going to journal here, hopefully daily, how I am doing. I plan to be brutally honest and get to the bottom of why I am allowing myself to be sabotaged or distracted from my goals. I like to help others, and I do often. It's time now to help myself again. When I started this weigh loss journey 6 years ago, I was so focused. I was swimming for exercise, I was eating right, I was determined to not be derailed. I NEED that determination and focus back. 

August 1, 2013... day 1...