Tuesday- Lemonade or Lemons

I haven't blogged in awhile. Why? Cause I am a lemon. I just feel like I have nothing good to say so why bother. I'm so tired of being frustrated.

So what's up? Well last Friday I saw the Kidney DR, the kidney stones are not dissolving. In fact he told me they are like diamonds... so solid. He accused me of not taking my meds everyday. I told him I was, he said I was lying. Umm... NO... then again I haven't taken my meds in 2 days now. But when I was there I WAS taking them. Really. I was again informed I MUST drink 100 ounces of water every day and now I must also eat a lemon a day, pulp and all. I can skip the peel and the seeds at least. Lemons are not cheap, OK 2 for a dollar if on sale, but still... can you see my lemon face?

Of course once I take on the lemon face the rest of my life seems to go sour too.

My car, the one I just bought a year ago, and just a couple weeks ago put $400 into broke down again on Sunday. But that is not my biggest frustration. It's my husband. I told him something was wrong, probably the battery. I had someplace to be and needed the car running. I thought he could take it to parts store and get a battery while I got ready. UM NOOOOOOO. He told me to do it myself. Aren't husbands supposed to cherish their wives? Help them when things break? Guess not.

The little girl (and I mean little in size) saw my frustration and my tears. She gave me a discount on the battery and installed it for me and didn't charge me for the disposal of the dead one. Bless her heart even helping me when I paid her with $1 bills and quarters $92 worth. But alas the car still was broken, needed the alternator too. My repair shop is awesome. They agreed to fix the car for me even though I am unable to pay them.

So with all these blessings I should be making lemonade out of my lemon water, but I don't like lemonade.

School is starting on Monday. I am stressed. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am broke. I am HUNGRY but want nothing to eat. I feel like I have hit a dead end and this is it. It's all going south from here. I wish going South also meant going West so I could be in California. I look in the mirror and I see myself going right back to where I was. This surgery, this college journey, all of it will be wasted.

I know why I gained all the weight in the first place. I was unhappy, mistreated, ignored, unappreciated. I am still all those things. I have spent 5 years now trying to change these bad habits that helped me gain all that weight. I see the sign in the road, I know what I am supposed to do. I just feel like I have no energy to do it anymore. I think if I ignore the sign I can pretend it's all ok.

I know only I can make these decisions about what I choose to do or not to do. This whole blog post I want to delete, I do not like being negative. I like pretending to everyone else it's all OK and then when I am alone food is my confidant. My apologies to anyone reading this... I am just rambling.

                                    Maybe my next post will be more cheerful. You never know.


~Day 20

August 10- Drat- I feel the need to start over

I am such a perfectionist. I missed 2 days of blogging and tracking my food for the day. This to me is a BAD thing. Time to throw in the towel and start all over. Like if I was hand writing a letter and was 4/5 of the way through and made a mistake I would re-write the whole thing. Yep... I am a little OCD when it comes to things like this.

BUT I am NOT QUITTING. OK so I missed two days, big deal. I am still here. This is not being graded. I am not being judged. Well at least I hope I am not being judged.

So what's been going on? Not much. I am not exercising. I am tired. I am stressed. I ran out of money, I ran out of yarn, blah blah. It's all good.

I saw the kidney stone doctor yesterday. The stones are still there. The shocking didn't work. He wants to watch it for 6 months then decide the next step to be taken. He again threatened me... I MUST drink 100oz of water every day, and that is the minimum, he would be happy to see me drink even more than that.

Now I also have to eat a LEMON a day. A real lemon. Do you know lemons are .56 cents a piece??? He also wants me to filter my water, either get a Brita or buy bottled water. I don't even wanna think about the cost to do that.

I bought 8 lemons yesterday. I will TRY to drink water with lemon. I am not excited about this at all.

I squeezed all the juice and pulp from the lemon into my water mug, then for a bonus I threw in the lemon halves too. It's chilling in the frig now. My goal is to drink this entire mug of water today and 75 more ounces of water. So far I have had 5oz, but I also had a decaf coffee so this first bottle of water won't even count. (sigh)

If I want to drink a lot of water, I can usually get it in if I eat bad... if I eat chips, and carbs and stuff like that I am super thirsty all day. But when I focus on my protein and maybe veggies, I am not only not thirstyl but I am not hungry wither.

It's like a catch 22- lose weight and eat right, or eat bad and stop formation of kidney stones. Is there a happy medium for me?

Anyway that's where I am today... lets see how the week goes.

Day 10-

August 6, 2013

Tuesday was a pretty uneventful day.

I found that I seem to be hungrier when I don't have the protein bar and decaf coffee first thing in the morning.

I was really craving chocolate today.

I no longer have a TOM but it sure felt like I was today.

Stopped at grocery store, Gary wanted something sweet to snack on after dinner, I got him 3 boxes of cookies... and for me... 2 King Size Peppermint Patties, 2 King size Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, 2 King size Symphony bars, and 1 bag of dark chocolate w/almonds mini nugget candy.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I should NOT be bringing this stuff into the house.

I didn't eat them all. Just one today. It was enough. For now. 

My drams are crazy. I'm so tired at night but I almost hate to sleep and dream

No picture today... just me

Day 6-

August 5, 2013- On Course Of Course

 It occurred to me that I am excelling in my college studies because I am focused. I have a strategy to create success. And I recently got this book to make sure I can continue on this path. So the title of the book says

"On Course" Strategies for Creating Successes in College and in Life

WHAT??? IN LIFE TOO???

You mean I can apply these skills I have already been practicing to something other than a 4.0 in college?

I see wrinkles appearing on my forehead as I type... well duh Kathy...

So if I want to succeed in my weight loss, in my marriage, in my friendships, in my finances, in whatever all I have to do is practice what I am already doing.

Perhaps the reason I do good for a few days, sometime a few hours, and then fall into a bad choice or habit is because I am not completely committed to these other missions. The question is why?

I hated being Morbidly Obese. I like being able to move, drive, walk, box, sleep in a bed, tie a shoe etc. Why would I pave a way to return to that miserable life?

Maybe I do not feel I am worth it? That's a cop out, you think? I can hear people already saying... YES you are, you are a good person, you do good things, you are an inspiration, you have overcome so much, you are LOVED by many, if not all.

Now I want to scream SHUT UP... you don't know me. You don't know the things from my past. Things I can't seem to find forgiveness for. Most of the time I don't remember them, but when they creep in, sneak in, disguise themselves in other things, that's when I turn to food, to laziness, to why bother.

Don't fret, I won't quit. I am not allowed to quit. I slip, I slide, I fall... but I keep getting up. I have appearances to keep, right? People are watching me, waiting for me to fail. Just like they did when I got married. I was told, well it won't last a year. Then it won't last 2 years. Well next month it will be 33 years. Am I happy? Not really. Will I leave? Probably not. Because those same people waiting for me to regain all my weight are the same ones who said our marriage wouldn't last. Take that!!!!

Anyway this was my revelation on Day 5- Damn It Kathy - give this situation as much attention and dedication as you give college!!! Get on course in your life too. So I am going to maintain a 4.0 GPA and I am going to get a 4.0 in life too. Why not? I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

Day 5-

August 4, 2013- Skinny Ankles

Skinny Ankles...

So I look at my ankles and they are pretty small. Skinny actually. By all means if I have these skinny legs the body should match. SIGH it does NOT

Now a friend told me today that 75% of my body size is because of my boobs. YEP... now if I could only get rid of them somehow, maybe I'd feel better about my body image... I weighed them once... not kidding... they weighed over 15 pounds a piece. No wonder I feel like I am hunchbacked all the time. You try sitting up straight with bar bells for boobs.

I spent the day at my sisters, trying to help them figure out their computers etc. I did ok food wise until I got home and had dinner... it didn't stay down. Gary hears me throwing up in bathroom and says "you have a feeding disorder" I said "do you mean an eating disorder" I don't have that, people with disorders TRY to throw up, I do not try, I try to make it stop. Whatever.

Needless to say with dinner now in the toilet I was HUNGRY. What can I eat and keep down? Yep you guessed it... potato chips. Good thing I left the bag next to my couch. If I had some I'd eat chocolate too but alas nothing brown and sweet around here.

Maybe I will go to the Y tomorrow... do some water aerobics, swim some laps... I guess I will see what morning brings.

For now the carb fog has rolled in from the chips, and I am exhausted. I am gonna take my skinny ankles to bed and dream of chocolate.

Day 4-

August 3, 2013- Day 3

I have the attention span of a two year old...

I start out gung ho to do this for ME, I hate where I am, I want to get myself back to where I was or better, but why is it I can't seem to get past 2 days without throwing in a towel.

OK so maybe I wasn't that bad, but I wasn't that good either.

It was a Saturday... it started out ok... I got up, filled our medicine containers, had cottage cheese and melba rounds for breakfast... and then it happened.

Gary left for his mothers. Now this in itself shouldn't be a bad thing, but for me it spirals me into a depressed mood. I don't go with him. Why? Well one because he never suggests I go with him. Two... I don't want to be around people that supported him when he was cheating on me. They are two faced, they smile to my face, and then allow the other woman into their home. Is the affair still going on? I don't know. I hope not. But honestly when he is there from 9am to 10pm I can't help but wonder.

The sad part is I don't know if I still even love him. We have been together 33 years. I was 17. I've never known adult life except for with him. We are comfortable with each other by now. We know each others habits and schedules. We have a routine. I just don't feel the love anymore. He is clueless about this. Maybe not, I am not romantic with him, I have no desire to give or receive in that department. I don't miss it. He does. Well maybe he doesn't...

Anyway he left yesterday for his moms. I was Ok at first. I worked on some scarves I am making. I watched a movie I had on the dvr... I thought about getting dressed and going to walk on the treadmill... but I didn't.

I got hungry... I didn't think it was time for lunch... so I had an Atkins protein bar... not a bad choice... it didn't really help. I decided to make lunch... after all Gary should be home soon, right? I made him egg salad, and I made another BLT wrap for myself.

I ate mine with a greek yogurt. Still a good choice. But it wasn't enough. He didn't come home, he didn't call or text. If I am out more than 1 hour he is texting me asking wen I am ever coming home. I started feeling angry, and abused, and all those kinds of emotions.

I opened a bag of potato chips. Sour cream and cheese flavored Lays. I had about a cup full. I felt like a glutten. I had some peanuts... protein right? Peanuts are good. A cup of them, not so good.

It's now 5pm... still no communication, 4 scarves down and 3 dvr'd movies later... I NEED chocolate. I had a WW red velvet ice cream sandwich... way too sweet. Gave me a headache. Or was it the stress?

I should go exercise away my frustration. I thought about leaving and going to Dayna's to swim or something. But I was still in my jammies, I ate a Hostess chocolate cupcake instead. Oh boy I am doing so well. What the hell is wrong with me?

7pm now... still no husband. I decide I better have dinner. I cut up 2 hot dogs, got a cup of grapes, and as an after thought I made a small cheese quesadilla and another tortilla with just melted butter in it. I ate three bites of the hot dog, one bite of the quesadilla, 1 bite of the buttered tortilla, and 3 grapes. I felt sick. Like I was gonna throw up sick. Two hours I sat there hoping it would go down and not come back up. I made 2 more scarves. I am out of yarn now. No money for new yarn either. More pity party feelings about to pop out.

9pm... still alone, been alone since 9am. I go to bed.

What is wrong with me? I LOVE being alone. Most of the time I prefer being alone. Why does it bother me so when he goes there and doesn't contact me at all. Even to check in? Why do I let him derail me? Honestly I got to 500 pounds because of the emotional abuse I suffered with him. I thought I was over all of that. If I don't love him anymore why do his actions drive me to bad habits? Am I just using him as an excuse?

Those potato chips are next to my couch. I want one right now just writing about yesterday. Really I am considering having one before I go brush my teeth for church. I can wipe away the evidence if I brush my teeth, right? (SIGH)

Oh by the way the scale was down 2 pounds this morning... really??? Is this just another motivation to eat those chips? I know it is not, but really???

Day 3---

August 2, 2013

Day 2- What's in an Attitude?

You know I am always trying to present as a positive person, a glass half full, things could be worse... you know those irritating, hopeful people? Yep that's usually me.

Not lately. I am frustrated. I look in the mirror and I am frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, JEALOUS,. There I said it, my brown eyes are reflecting green. I do not like this attitude.

We reap what we sow. I believe that. These days what have I been sowing? What have I been speaking ro thinking in my own life? Nothing good, nothing inspiring, nothing positive.

Last night I went to my support group. I love going to group... well I love what group represents. It represents to me a reminder of why I chose weight loss surgery, why I don't want to go back to old habits, why I need to stay connected. Group is to be an opportunity to encourage another to help them believe in the possibilities that will come with their weight loss successes, and at the same time I myself can be encouraged. I reap what I sow.

But lately what I see when I go is other people looking so good, so thin, so happy. And here I am still obese. With a BMI in the 40's still. With a belly that makes me look pregnant. Wearing a size 1X or 2X or even 3X depending on the clothes. And here are some people I have been mentoring, supporting, helping, and they walk in 8-9 months out of surgery in a size 4. A size 4!!! They are now approaching me and giving me their "FAT" clothes. I am grateful. I love the clothes. But I feel like such a failure. I used to give away my clothes, now I am getting them. I can't lie... this HURTS, it hurts a lot.

I am wearing one of the outfits right now. It's nice. The shirt might actually be a little too big, the pants a tad too tight, and the girdle type undergarment fits perfectly but I can barely breathe.

Anyway... I need to readjust my attitude. I need to bloom where I am planted right now. I need to focus on what is good and where I am headed instead of looking at every9ne else around me and comparing me to them. I am NOT them and they are NOT me.

The scale was down 2 1/2 pounds this morning. I am sure that is not a "real" loss, but I am not going to think negative. I am taking it for what it says.

So there is is... this is my current battle. Love me or hate me, I am who I am.

August 1st, 2013

Well... I am approaching the 5th year since I began my new journey following weight loss surgery. I have not yet reached my ultimate weight loss goal.

I am NOT done yet.

I have come a long way. I have lost over 300 pounds. My life is improving by the minute. But I am not happy. In fact I am often discouraged. I continue to attend my support group and people are coming in at the size I am now and in a year they are walking back in as a size 4. They are starting to pass their "big" clothes down to me. I am appreciative but I am discouraged and hurt by this development.

It was never about being a size 4 for me. It was about getting off oxygen, it was about having a lap to hold a baby on, it was about being able to climb stairs, drive a car without the steering wheel digging into my belly, it was about being off cholesterol and high blood pressure meds. I have accomplished all those things but I am not happy. I hate to look in the mirror and see a fat person still. Not a morbidly obese person, but a fat person just the same.

Overcoming is something I strive for. I started college in 2010. I am a year away from receiving a Bachelor's in Social Work, and less then 3 years away from a Masters. I am doing well in school, I have applied myself there 200% and it shows in my grades, but not in my weight loss.

In fact since I started school in 2010 I have re-gained about 50 pounds. This is not considered a failure, the Drs said it's common to regain 10-15% of weight loss over the years. I am within that guideline but I hate that I had to re-gain at all. I want to lose that weight plus about 20 more pounds. This will have me at a weight that I think I will be comfortable with and until I can win the lottery and afford plastics I think the lowest weight I can safely obtain.

So I need to make a plan... I would like to lose the 70 pounds by my graduation in the Spring. That's 9 months away. This is a SMART goal, it's doable, I want to make it happen.

I am going to journal here, hopefully daily, how I am doing. I plan to be brutally honest and get to the bottom of why I am allowing myself to be sabotaged or distracted from my goals. I like to help others, and I do often. It's time now to help myself again. When I started this weigh loss journey 6 years ago, I was so focused. I was swimming for exercise, I was eating right, I was determined to not be derailed. I NEED that determination and focus back. 

August 1, 2013... day 1...