So what's up? Well last Friday I saw the Kidney DR, the kidney stones are not dissolving. In fact he told me they are like diamonds... so solid. He accused me of not taking my meds everyday. I told him I was, he said I was lying. Umm... NO... then again I haven't taken my meds in 2 days now. But when I was there I WAS taking them. Really. I was again informed I MUST drink 100 ounces of water every day and now I must also eat a lemon a day, pulp and all. I can skip the peel and the seeds at least. Lemons are not cheap, OK 2 for a dollar if on sale, but still... can you see my lemon face?
Of course once I take on the lemon face the rest of my life seems to go sour too.
My car, the one I just bought a year ago, and just a couple weeks ago put $400 into broke down again on Sunday. But that is not my biggest frustration. It's my husband. I told him something was wrong, probably the battery. I had someplace to be and needed the car running. I thought he could take it to parts store and get a battery while I got ready. UM NOOOOOOO. He told me to do it myself. Aren't husbands supposed to cherish their wives? Help them when things break? Guess not.
The little girl (and I mean little in size) saw my frustration and my tears. She gave me a discount on the battery and installed it for me and didn't charge me for the disposal of the dead one. Bless her heart even helping me when I paid her with $1 bills and quarters $92 worth. But alas the car still was broken, needed the alternator too. My repair shop is awesome. They agreed to fix the car for me even though I am unable to pay them.
So with all these blessings I should be making lemonade out of my lemon water, but I don't like lemonade.
School is starting on Monday. I am stressed. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am broke. I am HUNGRY but want nothing to eat. I feel like I have hit a dead end and this is it. It's all going south from here. I wish going South also meant going West so I could be in California. I look in the mirror and I see myself going right back to where I was. This surgery, this college journey, all of it will be wasted.
I know why I gained all the weight in the first place. I was unhappy, mistreated, ignored, unappreciated. I am still all those things. I have spent 5 years now trying to change these bad habits that helped me gain all that weight. I see the sign in the road, I know what I am supposed to do. I just feel like I have no energy to do it anymore. I think if I ignore the sign I can pretend it's all ok.
I know only I can make these decisions about what I choose to do or not to do. This whole blog post I want to delete, I do not like being negative. I like pretending to everyone else it's all OK and then when I am alone food is my confidant. My apologies to anyone reading this... I am just rambling.
~Day 20
No apologies needed. More hugs going your way.
ReplyDelete- Renee