I start out gung ho to do this for ME, I hate where I am, I want to get myself back to where I was or better, but why is it I can't seem to get past 2 days without throwing in a towel.
OK so maybe I wasn't that bad, but I wasn't that good either.
It was a Saturday... it started out ok... I got up, filled our medicine containers, had cottage cheese and melba rounds for breakfast... and then it happened.
Gary left for his mothers. Now this in itself shouldn't be a bad thing, but for me it spirals me into a depressed mood. I don't go with him. Why? Well one because he never suggests I go with him. Two... I don't want to be around people that supported him when he was cheating on me. They are two faced, they smile to my face, and then allow the other woman into their home. Is the affair still going on? I don't know. I hope not. But honestly when he is there from 9am to 10pm I can't help but wonder.
The sad part is I don't know if I still even love him. We have been together 33 years. I was 17. I've never known adult life except for with him. We are comfortable with each other by now. We know each others habits and schedules. We have a routine. I just don't feel the love anymore. He is clueless about this. Maybe not, I am not romantic with him, I have no desire to give or receive in that department. I don't miss it. He does. Well maybe he doesn't...
Anyway he left yesterday for his moms. I was Ok at first. I worked on some scarves I am making. I watched a movie I had on the dvr... I thought about getting dressed and going to walk on the treadmill... but I didn't.
I got hungry... I didn't think it was time for lunch... so I had an Atkins protein bar... not a bad choice... it didn't really help. I decided to make lunch... after all Gary should be home soon, right? I made him egg salad, and I made another BLT wrap for myself.
I ate mine with a greek yogurt. Still a good choice. But it wasn't enough. He didn't come home, he didn't call or text. If I am out more than 1 hour he is texting me asking wen I am ever coming home. I started feeling angry, and abused, and all those kinds of emotions.
I opened a bag of potato chips. Sour cream and cheese flavored Lays. I had about a cup full. I felt like a glutten. I had some peanuts... protein right? Peanuts are good. A cup of them, not so good.
It's now 5pm... still no communication, 4 scarves down and 3 dvr'd movies later... I NEED chocolate. I had a WW red velvet ice cream sandwich... way too sweet. Gave me a headache. Or was it the stress?
I should go exercise away my frustration. I thought about leaving and going to Dayna's to swim or something. But I was still in my jammies, I ate a Hostess chocolate cupcake instead. Oh boy I am doing so well. What the hell is wrong with me?
7pm now... still no husband. I decide I better have dinner. I cut up 2 hot dogs, got a cup of grapes, and as an after thought I made a small cheese quesadilla and another tortilla with just melted butter in it. I ate three bites of the hot dog, one bite of the quesadilla, 1 bite of the buttered tortilla, and 3 grapes. I felt sick. Like I was gonna throw up sick. Two hours I sat there hoping it would go down and not come back up. I made 2 more scarves. I am out of yarn now. No money for new yarn either. More pity party feelings about to pop out.
9pm... still alone, been alone since 9am. I go to bed.
What is wrong with me? I LOVE being alone. Most of the time I prefer being alone. Why does it bother me so when he goes there and doesn't contact me at all. Even to check in? Why do I let him derail me? Honestly I got to 500 pounds because of the emotional abuse I suffered with him. I thought I was over all of that. If I don't love him anymore why do his actions drive me to bad habits? Am I just using him as an excuse?
Those potato chips are next to my couch. I want one right now just writing about yesterday. Really I am considering having one before I go brush my teeth for church. I can wipe away the evidence if I brush my teeth, right? (SIGH)
Oh by the way the scale was down 2 pounds this morning... really??? Is this just another motivation to eat those chips? I know it is not, but really???
Day 3---
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